Why I Don’t Cry Anymore When Think About Charlie’s Hospitalization
When my son, Charlie was only a baby he had to go through a series of examinations, scans, MRIs, operations and when taking him to hospitals, I also saw many children in need walking around with their drips, crying parents in distress and being distressed and traumatized myself.
I will tell you Charlie's story and the secret why I don't cry anymore when thinking of my son's hospitalisation
It all started with a small bump between Charlie's tiny ribs on his left side when he was only 10 months old.
I was breastfeeding him and felt a little hard lump with my fingers.
First I did not think much of it but immediately booked him into our GP. The doctor set up an appointment for an ultra sound scan but it was going to be 3 weeks later.
After a couple days I realized that I needed to get him checked earlier, my worries started creeping in.
I called my private insurance and secured an appointment for the next day with a private pediatrician. He first examined Charlie himself but then sent us to next door for an ultra sound scan.
I was horrified when saw the image on the screen… Charlie had clearly some kind of a lump around - later found out 2 of his - ribs.
The pediatrician booked him into an MRI as soon as he can - we went to Portland Hospital and had the MRI done. I walked out with the CD of Charlie's chest images in my hand. This was the first of many times when I signed a consent for Charlie to be put under anesthetic. At only 10 months old. It horrified me every time.
The next day our doctor called and told me that he booked us in with one of UK's leading baby surgeon who was specialising chest surgeries for new-born and older babies.
At this point Andy and I were extremely worried, and were thinking about the worst.
I was Google-ing all sort of lumps, bumps in baby's chest and everything I found was more and more disturbing. I could not help but thinking about the worst case scenario. At this point we had no idea what was coming.
During the appointment with the surgeon in Oxford we were told blankly that our child had a sarcoma, prepare yourselves parents for the worst… The 'opinion' was based on only just looking at the photo image I took from the MRI CD that I shared with the doctor.
I was beside myself. I wanted to know what was next, what were the chances for Charlie! Looking back the memories, it feels like I was in a very dark cloud. I cried myself to sleep every night.
Charlie got booked in for a biopsy to check the lumps' cells under a microscope. This was under another anesthetic again.
We had to wait for 1 week for the phone call with the result. At this point I was exhausted by the sleepless nights and worry we had to go through.
The first phone call was quite the opposite what we expected. The oncologist in Oxford told us that the good news was that there were no cancerous cells in the sample.
However at this point they were not sure what the lump was and prepared further tests to be sure.
I must be honest - after 2 weeks of hell where I thought Charlie might just had months to live, this was a relief. But this was not the end of the road for us.
A week later we were called in for a result consultation and we found out that the lump in Charlie's chest was a lipoblastoma, which is a relatively rare tumor that occurs in infancy and early childhood and arises from embryonic white fat, grows extremely fast and could reoccur. Even I noticed the growth after 3-4 weeks since I discovered the lump.
At this point we were told that Charlie needs a surgery on his chest and the tumor needs to be removed. His surgery was booked in after 2 weeks, very quickly. I was thanking to myself that I took Charlie through the private route so he could be treated as soon as possible.
The night before the operation Charlie and I was staying in the hospital so Charlie could be prepped for the operation. Andy stayed nearby in an accommodation run by Ronald McDonald House Charities that provided families for children with cancer somewhere to stay while their child was in hospital. It was a lovely gesture from the charity.
The next day was the most stressful day of my life. I felt never this scared while Charlie was in the operating theatre. We were told it could last for 6-8 hours but luckily he was out in 2.5 hours! He started coming around shortly after the op but he was not himself, my little Boy.
Charlie needed morphine to keep his pain under control and I was not allowed to feed him either. He was 'chained' down for the reason so he was not wiggling his IV drips out and he was whinging and crying quite a lot.
The first night I could not sleep, I stayed by his bed all night - I was so worried about him.
However the next day I was allowed to pick him up for a short time and tried to breastfeed him, which helped him keeping calm. I am sure it helped his fast recovery, too.
By day 3 he was off the morphine and off the drips, started eating and staying outside of the hospital cot for longer. His temperature went back to normal and he was discharged.
We could not believe how quickly his post operation scar was healing and he was very much back to himself after 3 days and crawling around fast in the hospital room floor like nothing happened.
After the operation we had to go back every 6 months for an MRI scan and every time he was under anaesthetic which was a major fear for me. Every occasion you sign a consent that anything could happen while he is asleep!
The lipoblastoma Charlie had can reoccur and in many historical cases it did for other children but luckily Charlie got the ALL CLEAR after 5 years of clear scans which towards the end were x-rays - for my biggest relief.
I promised that I would share my SECRET with you - what helped me to recover mentally from the trauma I went through while Charlie was recovering himself.
The SECRET is TALKING
I did not keep quiet about what happened, I was often sharing the smallest details of the hospitalisation with friends, family members.
Andy and I talk about even these days - although less and less frequently - and even if it makes us upset we still feel the need to discuss it. Luckily it comes to both of us naturally to talk about our trauma and pain.
For me and Andy it helped massively that we talked between ourselves and to our friends, family but some parents may need professional help, for instance talking therapy which I can recommend if you are in a similar situation.
Sometime our partner is not very easy to talk to or not sharing easily but a professional would be very useful in helping to process the traumatic events.
If you have had similar trauma in your life, first of all I am really sorry about what you and your child had to go through.
Secondly I hope your child recovered and also you either recovered by self-help or sought professional help.
If you are find my stories like this helpful in any way, you can sign up to my newsletter where you can see in first hand if I publish a new blog post. You can unsubscribe at any time.